Denial

Oh my….

Where does one start. At day 0, over and over again. 

I hate that I drink too much  (ahem, obviously more than zero). I’m back in that phase where I think I can drink moderately but then I drink more than  that over and over day in day out. Aiaiai.

I’ve essentially stopped sleeping. I sleep fitfully for a few hours a night then not at all. My brain gets it, this is destructive…horrible for my health (and other “life goals”)  but my….addicted brain says yes. Every day. (There were about 5 sober days straight in late January but the “reward” was a drink on Friday with colleagues…and then I rewarded myself the next day with another drink etc etc). I’d like to believe that that sobriety would have lasted, if, um, hiccup, if i hadn’t gotten sick on-and-off for 6 weeks. But really, who drinks more when they’re sick?  Only crazies like me that are happy to have an excuse to “take it easy” while sick. 

 I know (from my 100 plus SOBER days last year) that there is a better life than this.

I actively miss that life. 

But. Alcohol is everywhere. I have a reputation with my colleagues as antisocial because I have have mostly stayed away from beers on Fridays (don’t even get me started on the sexism inherent there given that I’m the only female in my dept without children and the others aren’t “antisocial”).

Rah rah inspiring sober message here.

I’m….working my back to sobriety slower than I would like…but it’s there, in the back of my mind. I don’t like this. 

Ps I miss you all. I appreciate the messages while I’ve been “missing “. I’m still missing, just wanted to post again. I don’t know the answer right now. 

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10 thoughts on “Denial”

  1. I’m right there with you. So glad you posted this. It’s the hiding I think, that perpetuates the drinking to an extent. And it’s an odd chicken or the egg scenario. The hiding and the fear drives the drinking which makes you want to hide out even more. I was already making today a new Day 1 if you want to join me. If not, I completely understand. Xoxo

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  2. Stay with it! Get to a meeting if you haven’t!

    I went sleepless for five days in my bottom. It wasn’t good. Each 24 hours without sleep has a toxifying and hallucinogenic effect on the mind. I hope you find some ease and comfort and relief. I’ve been there and know how much this sucks.

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  3. Thank you for this post, really wanting to be ‘normal’ today and just have a drink and your post has really helped, (sorry that doesn’t help you) x

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  4. It is good to hear from you again. I found that getting back on the wagon after a fall was harder and harder each time. For me I had a few rock bottom experiences which basically catapulted me back on. I wouldn’t recommend that method but it seems to be working. At least you know you WANT to quit 😘😘

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  5. It is hard. Alcohol is everywhere. Life is unbelievable better and easier without it.

    I wish I could show you just how hard I clung to drinking. How adamant I was I was ok. How deeply I believed it was necessary for fun and socializing.

    And how liberating it has been to find out I was wrong.

    You can too. Find support. Do something different.

    Hugs
    Anne

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  6. You aren’t “missing” at all….you are finding your way, discovering what you want and becoming the real you! It’s a process….I GET THAT!!! You are still trying and still figuring it out along with a LOT of us! Dust yourself off and remember that progress is what matters, not perfection. No one is perfect. You are being open, honest and real. THAT IS SOMETHING to be VERY PROUD OF!!!! Huge hugs 🙂

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    1. I struggled for two years back and forth and back in forth. The steps in AA where the ONLY thing that I did that made a difference in the relapse part. I guess the hardest part is wanting to not drink but not being able to stop. I get it, trust me. Keep trying, don’t give up. It will work.

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  7. I’m pleased to hear from you. It takes courage to keep writing. This is your journey, remember that. Alcohol is everywhere and we always think we need it. You remember that you felt better when you did your 100+ days sober, hold on to that feeling as that proves you don’t need alcohol. You only get one life. We are always hear for each other x

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