Denial

Oh my….

Where does one start. At day 0, over and over again. 

I hate that I drink too much  (ahem, obviously more than zero). I’m back in that phase where I think I can drink moderately but then I drink more than  that over and over day in day out. Aiaiai.

I’ve essentially stopped sleeping. I sleep fitfully for a few hours a night then not at all. My brain gets it, this is destructive…horrible for my health (and other “life goals”)  but my….addicted brain says yes. Every day. (There were about 5 sober days straight in late January but the “reward” was a drink on Friday with colleagues…and then I rewarded myself the next day with another drink etc etc). I’d like to believe that that sobriety would have lasted, if, um, hiccup, if i hadn’t gotten sick on-and-off for 6 weeks. But really, who drinks more when they’re sick?  Only crazies like me that are happy to have an excuse to “take it easy” while sick. 

 I know (from my 100 plus SOBER days last year) that there is a better life than this.

I actively miss that life. 

But. Alcohol is everywhere. I have a reputation with my colleagues as antisocial because I have have mostly stayed away from beers on Fridays (don’t even get me started on the sexism inherent there given that I’m the only female in my dept without children and the others aren’t “antisocial”).

Rah rah inspiring sober message here.

I’m….working my back to sobriety slower than I would like…but it’s there, in the back of my mind. I don’t like this. 

Ps I miss you all. I appreciate the messages while I’ve been “missing “. I’m still missing, just wanted to post again. I don’t know the answer right now.