5

Weird, WordPress just wished me happy anniversary. I started my blog on day 4 last year (which was about a week ago…). You’re a week off, silly website!

I could be a year sober right now…maybe this time next year I will be.

There’s something about April. The sun finally comes out, it’s like emerging from 6 months in a dark cave. I live in California, and holy cow I’m glad I don’t live anywhere with less sunshine! I’ve struggled a lot with winter since moving to northern CA. This winter was extra rough with our nonstop rain (but yeay, no more drought, for now). I’m buying a sunlight lamp in october next fall! And now after all that rain and with all the lovely new green plants I’m having my first experience with allergies ever. Owie.  

Night all, nice to see everyone again 🙂

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Day 4

It’s like groundhogs day, I feel like I’ve been here before!

Very little to say except I’ve promised myself 30 days. Hopefully on day 28 i will be able to commit to 100 days but that just feels too hard right now. Toooo many false starts

It’s been ok this week. The sun is out (FINALLY). I’ve been biking and swimming a bit. Trying to stay busy. We are planning a big Spring clean this weekend (i haaaaate cleaning).

Night night, world 🙂

2 days…

…it’s something…

I swam at night both nights to escape the house and cravings. I really enjoyed it. 

There’s zero alcohol in my house right now. All the stores whisper to me as I drive by though!

Thanks for the sweet messages the other nighy. I have been so busy at work so haven’t replied but I appreciate them!

I’m not even saying I want to do X days this time around.  I have a work trip in europe for 2 weeks starting next Friday and I know I don’t have the willpower to get through that with no alcohol. I hope being sober until then will motivate me to think before I drink. That’s such a Wolfie thought. But I also know that expecting early sobriety to work at the wrong time dooms it to failure. Trying too hard and making the first few weeks too hard with having to be around people who are drinking ends up in demoralizing failure…and (for me) being slower to get back on the wagon. I AM planning to be fully sober after I get back. Hey, maybe this time will stick 😉

Denial

Oh my….

Where does one start. At day 0, over and over again. 

I hate that I drink too much  (ahem, obviously more than zero). I’m back in that phase where I think I can drink moderately but then I drink more than  that over and over day in day out. Aiaiai.

I’ve essentially stopped sleeping. I sleep fitfully for a few hours a night then not at all. My brain gets it, this is destructive…horrible for my health (and other “life goals”)  but my….addicted brain says yes. Every day. (There were about 5 sober days straight in late January but the “reward” was a drink on Friday with colleagues…and then I rewarded myself the next day with another drink etc etc). I’d like to believe that that sobriety would have lasted, if, um, hiccup, if i hadn’t gotten sick on-and-off for 6 weeks. But really, who drinks more when they’re sick?  Only crazies like me that are happy to have an excuse to “take it easy” while sick. 

 I know (from my 100 plus SOBER days last year) that there is a better life than this.

I actively miss that life. 

But. Alcohol is everywhere. I have a reputation with my colleagues as antisocial because I have have mostly stayed away from beers on Fridays (don’t even get me started on the sexism inherent there given that I’m the only female in my dept without children and the others aren’t “antisocial”).

Rah rah inspiring sober message here.

I’m….working my back to sobriety slower than I would like…but it’s there, in the back of my mind. I don’t like this. 

Ps I miss you all. I appreciate the messages while I’ve been “missing “. I’m still missing, just wanted to post again. I don’t know the answer right now. 

Still struggling…

I have been very unhappy the last week or so, particularly so the last 3 days. 

It might be the weather changing (I am most definitely susceptible to SAD, even in California. Maybe the last 2 years have gotten worse since I moved north)

It might be that I just hate my job (the same job that makes it possible for me come home at 1pm on a Monday and spend the afternoon on the couch with my puppies. Ah, academia…). To be fair, this job is harder than my job 1.5 years ago because the publishing expectations are much higher. There’s an underlying anxiety that’s just there all the time that gets to you. I know academics have a higher depression etc rate than most people, probably partly because there is no day to day monitoring of our job performance–just biannual reviews of our publication record which is a terrible measure of actual effort put into a job. 

I’m just rambling so I can look back on this. I obviously (to me) need a doctor and some meds. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for years on and off. This episode feels worse. I even know which meds work for me, I just need to find a doctor here that I can work with (easier said than done in the US when you’re asking for controlled substances!)

Bah. Humbug.