Denial

Oh my….

Where does one start. At day 0, over and over again. 

I hate that I drink too much  (ahem, obviously more than zero). I’m back in that phase where I think I can drink moderately but then I drink more than  that over and over day in day out. Aiaiai.

I’ve essentially stopped sleeping. I sleep fitfully for a few hours a night then not at all. My brain gets it, this is destructive…horrible for my health (and other “life goals”)  but my….addicted brain says yes. Every day. (There were about 5 sober days straight in late January but the “reward” was a drink on Friday with colleagues…and then I rewarded myself the next day with another drink etc etc). I’d like to believe that that sobriety would have lasted, if, um, hiccup, if i hadn’t gotten sick on-and-off for 6 weeks. But really, who drinks more when they’re sick?  Only crazies like me that are happy to have an excuse to “take it easy” while sick. 

 I know (from my 100 plus SOBER days last year) that there is a better life than this.

I actively miss that life. 

But. Alcohol is everywhere. I have a reputation with my colleagues as antisocial because I have have mostly stayed away from beers on Fridays (don’t even get me started on the sexism inherent there given that I’m the only female in my dept without children and the others aren’t “antisocial”).

Rah rah inspiring sober message here.

I’m….working my back to sobriety slower than I would like…but it’s there, in the back of my mind. I don’t like this. 

Ps I miss you all. I appreciate the messages while I’ve been “missing “. I’m still missing, just wanted to post again. I don’t know the answer right now. 

Still struggling…

I have been very unhappy the last week or so, particularly so the last 3 days. 

It might be the weather changing (I am most definitely susceptible to SAD, even in California. Maybe the last 2 years have gotten worse since I moved north)

It might be that I just hate my job (the same job that makes it possible for me come home at 1pm on a Monday and spend the afternoon on the couch with my puppies. Ah, academia…). To be fair, this job is harder than my job 1.5 years ago because the publishing expectations are much higher. There’s an underlying anxiety that’s just there all the time that gets to you. I know academics have a higher depression etc rate than most people, probably partly because there is no day to day monitoring of our job performance–just biannual reviews of our publication record which is a terrible measure of actual effort put into a job. 

I’m just rambling so I can look back on this. I obviously (to me) need a doctor and some meds. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for years on and off. This episode feels worse. I even know which meds work for me, I just need to find a doctor here that I can work with (easier said than done in the US when you’re asking for controlled substances!)

Bah. Humbug.

Oops

So much for posting daily. I’ve been busy…

Still sober, day 20 today

We started fixing up our garden this weekend. A new hobby! Baby lettuce plants, cabbage, Brussels sprouts, parsley, mint. We will see which I kill first 🙂

I had a paper rejected from a journal today which made me want a drink, but only sort of. I don’t care too much about this paper so I wasn’t super upset, but I do know if the other paper I have submitted gets rejected I will be much more upset. Trying to plan ahead for that  (I have so little faith in my research!). 

Day 15

Woohoo, past the 2 week mark. More or less cruising along in that I don’t want alcohol. Emotionally drained from the 5 days of conferences straight into the beginning of our teaching semester.  I’m not teaching but there are millions of meetings etc etc. 

I’d say I need a vacation but  that went well last time 😉 just need to recharge. More puppy-hugging, less staring at my work computer. 

I haven’t been exercising. Haven’t wanted to force it and haven’t had the motivation to do much. Next week I’m going to try to go back to the “move once a day” rule…aka something, anything. I know exercise makes me less cranky/stressed which I need! I do miss the pool…Maybe tomorrow night…

Day 13..

Fiiiinally done with conference stuff for awhile. Exhausted. But also happy to get back to normal work tomorrow. I enjoy mindlessly cleaning data etc much more than talking to people all day!

New TV shows started tonight = going to bed later than we should!

Lucky number 13. 

Day 11

I’m so glad I reached out last night instead of hiding. Thank you so much for the supportive comments right when I needed them!

I got through it, partly helped by a new fuzzy blue blanket from brookstone (seriously, if you don’t have one of their blankets, get one now!). Struggled a bit in the airport on the way home but never super wanted a drink…just wanted something to pass the time and maybe help with the headache I had (no, alcohol does not cure headaches…). 

Happy to be home with my husband and puppies. My chihuahua has since adopted the blue blanket as her nest…aiaiai, I guess I need to buy one for me now 😉

Have another work conference tomorrow and Tuesday but this one is here. I do have to go to dinner tomorrow but that should be ok…enough…

Ugh.

Conferences are just too much for me! I went for a few hours today and now I’m hiding in my room. I feel emotionally fragile today and realize if I spend too much time around day crowds of people I WILL give in and drink. I think I might stay in my room the rest of the night. I showed my face, people saw me. Enough…

This stupid conference is at a hotel in the middle of nowhere. 20 minutes to the main town. I have no car, sounds like an expensive uber. 

I’m a little cranky today 😉