Still struggling…

I have been very unhappy the last week or so, particularly so the last 3 days. 

It might be the weather changing (I am most definitely susceptible to SAD, even in California. Maybe the last 2 years have gotten worse since I moved north)

It might be that I just hate my job (the same job that makes it possible for me come home at 1pm on a Monday and spend the afternoon on the couch with my puppies. Ah, academia…). To be fair, this job is harder than my job 1.5 years ago because the publishing expectations are much higher. There’s an underlying anxiety that’s just there all the time that gets to you. I know academics have a higher depression etc rate than most people, probably partly because there is no day to day monitoring of our job performance–just biannual reviews of our publication record which is a terrible measure of actual effort put into a job. 

I’m just rambling so I can look back on this. I obviously (to me) need a doctor and some meds. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for years on and off. This episode feels worse. I even know which meds work for me, I just need to find a doctor here that I can work with (easier said than done in the US when you’re asking for controlled substances!)

Bah. Humbug.

9 thoughts on “Still struggling…”

  1. Anxiety and withdrawal from anxiety seem to go hand in hand. Even Doug Wilson, founder of AA suffered terrible anxiety after quitting. From my experience Benzos, which are often prescribed for anxiety work on the same receptors as alcohol…makes sense. But like alcohol they tend to quickly become tolerant and bigger doses are required. Good for a short term help but not so good long term. Dr Kelly Brogan has written a great book on depression and anxiety, she is a board certified psychiatrist and knows her stuff and has some very good suggestions 💜

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I have had anxiety problems for years, arguably before my problems with alcohol started. I was always very careful with benzos (klonopin?), but Prozac worked well for the underlying anxiety (and hence alcohol abuse)

      Liked by 2 people

  2. For what it’s worth, I admire the heck out of someone like you in Academia. I don’t think I could function in such an un-structured, long term deadline environment. I bet it is sort of depressing sometimes and I can see where anxiety would just fester. Good that you can acknowledge it and work through it. Hugs!


  3. I have drepression and very bad anxiety. One thing I found out is controlled substances were a no for me sober. They always lead back to me drinking. It took a long time but I found a DO that put me on a natural path for my mental health issues. One of the most important thing I learned over the last 8 months was, just because I feel bad it doesn’t mean I’m doing bad. You can feel like shit and still be doing all the right things. Your not drinking g and reaching out and that’s amazing!

    Liked by 3 people

  4. This time of year is always hard for me as well. I try to set myself apart from what I’m feeling- feelings aren’t always facts. Sometimes it helps. We’re all with you ms, stay strong. prayers and hugs.


  5. I’m not sure what you find works that is a controlled substance, but I have had excellent success with lexapro, a SSRI.

    For SAD I up my vitamin D significantly and use a happy light. The light really helps.

    Find a doctor, take care.


  6. Hello cookie,
    just checking in when realised you hadn’t posted in a while. I hope you’re doing ok, the struggle (SAD) is real. Where I live it gets dark at 3 pm and we don’t get enough snow to at least fake some brightness into the day. It’s hard. Keep in touch, don’t disappear!


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