Day 4

Hello, world.

I’ve heard blogging helps in the early days of this sober journey.

Today is Day 4. This is my second Day 4. Last time was November–I cracked on Day 8. I think I’m ready this time. Fed up, sick of the hangovers, guilt, sick feeling, loss of productivity, self-hatred…

Last week on a long plane ride (with a glass of wine in my hand), I read Belle‘s blog of her entire first year of sobriety.

I hate the word sobriety. I don’t like “recovery” or “alcoholic” either. I do like that I’m not drinking today, or this week. Or next week. I’ve committed to a month–to myself, and my husband. I hope it will become 100 days. And then….maybe a year….and so on…

I was wondering today how we end up in this position. My husband drinks (almost) as much as me when we are together but he doesn’t care one way or another if he has alcohol. Why did I become dependent on alcohol to such an extent? While I was running tonight, I was thinking about whether we chose at some point to go down this road, consciously or sub-consciously. I know that I got here through a multi-year (decade-plus) sequence of “fuck-it”s.

In the past 4 days, I’ve slept better than I have in months, actually exercised (what, when you don’t grab the wine bottle at 5pm when you get home from work, you can actually do useful activities at night?). I colored drew (ok, traced) and colored a butterfly.

My (now) husband gave me the nickname “Tough Cupcake” 5 years ago right after we just met and I was training for an Ironman triathlon (while drinking…moderately-ish). I’m trying to find that girl again…the one who wasn’t wrought with anxiety and self-doubt. Hmmm…let’s go.

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14 thoughts on “Day 4”

  1. Tough cupcake is perfect. I am so glad I found your blog! I freelanced at home for the last few years, which is the perfect drinking set-up. Like you, my husband drank as well, but could always take it or leave it. Not me. I am also trying to find the elusive sobriety through blogging. It’s actually been really good because I am not really the type to share personal stuff in meetings, etc. It’s so much easier when anonymous. So glad you are here!

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    1. It is so much easier when we’re anonymous. I would never ever go to a meeting but I think there are understanding, similar people that are so helpful through this online community. I am enjoying your blog a lot–and a bit jealous that you’re ahead of me!
      And, ugh, so agree on the working at home–I have too much flexibility to do that and that’s where the wine lives (LIVED)!

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      1. I started drinking again about 11 days into my blog, so don’t feel bad. I had to start all over, but that’s OK. I’ve been to meetings before but never really clicked with the format, although I really liked some of the people. I feel much more of a connection online, although I never would have predicted that. I am currently between projects so I really must develop some hobbies! I wish I had gotten a Master’s while I had the chance so that I could do some teaching. I started volunteering Wednesdays, so that will help. ; )

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  2. Totally agree with the labels. I’ve never been convinced we have to diagnose ourselves or adopt scary sounding terminology just because we want to live a better life. When I stopped eating meat people just thought of it as a preference, can’t we just prefer not to be drunk all the time? Or prefer not to need to have wine on every occasion? Keep up the blogging!

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    1. Thank you for this! My biggest issue with AA (among many, but i’m sure it is great for many people) is the idea of helplessness. NO, we CAN choose to drink or NOT to drink! I love the idea of not drinking as a preference

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  3. I get the starting over thing. I did so many times too. I found myself obsessing over why I couldn’t stop thinking about drinking and my husband was also like yours, could care less. I eventually found out that what makes me different is I have a disease and he doesn’t. It was a tough pill to swallow but as soon as I stopped trying to figure it all out and just focused on me and stopping things started to get easier. Reach out and never give up xoxo

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